Friday, August 3, 2012

dejavu di hati kaku

Last year, time result keluar, emel sampai, satu gagal, pada ketika itu juga aku sedang demam.

Dan harini, time result keluar, emel aku buka, gagal kuasa dua dan aku masih juga demam.

Apa yang aku alami sekarang ini adalah dejavu. dejavu di hati kaku, tajuk cerita ini, sebab ia cerita aku.

I shouldn't have got the mood to update the blog but this is the only way i speak, literally. ya, aku sebenarnya dah jarang sangat membuka mulut, sehinggakan rahang aku mulai sakit akibat gigi yg terkatup terlalu ketat.

Dah selalu sangat aku gagal, maka aku dah imun. result k.o., tapi aku masih ok. itu normal. kadang aku terfikir, did i took this thing too coolly? did i took this thing too lightly? or did i took this thing too positively?

I guess they are all blended.

Or maybe i just happened to have nothing to feel. no feel no more. geez, where did my soul goes?

Apparently, somewhere myself doesn't know, and doesn't even bother to search.

But to tell the truth, to be like me, like-hey-it's-nothing-and-i-am-cool-like-this, there's a story behind it. and the story isn't a brag, its not even something to be proud of, but i do personally think that its not something to be ashamed of as well.

I do regret. but things happened. and i threw away those regret and sadness. and learned another way to redeem myself. there'll always be second chances, or in my case, up to third chances. so, regretting would be of no use. changing of plan would first be thought of. though i always fail to plan.

That would be the secret, #1.

But the devastated feeling of turning others down would always be felt. the parent, i speak of. and this morning, at times where i would always be found sleeping, i was awake, to the oppose. couldn't sleep though i tried to. and yes, it was because of the shock. the predictable shock i would say, but still, overwhelm took over me, a bit. and that was because i kept those feelings by myself. i thought i was strong enough to hold still, but i was afraid to present them with the failure. what am i going to tell?

So i thought, i should spill. maybe then i would feel better. maybe then i could sleep. thats more important.

And then i spill. with shaking voice, with pressure, and with full of thoughts, would they be able to take it cool, as i do?

Surprisingly, they took it cool. too cool that it loosen me up. and now i knew where do those traits in me came from. and a few minutes later, i was back on my bed, sleeping soundly. yeah, that's me.

I don't know how we ended up being too cool. it was awful, yet how did we can still react like nothing happened? like it wasn't a big deal? yo, it was a big deal. i am graduating but i got stuck with two papers, while all of my friends have already secured their places in uitm 77th convocation, yet i'm still here, got nowhere to go, and feeling insecured, but trying to act cool.

But i guess the feelings are there. the disappointment. the frustration. just that we know really well how to control, for not letting it all out, just to keep holding on, and that, is to make sure the other party doesn't feel too devastated. yes, the only way to make others happy, is to be happy. to show true happiness so that it can took over the sadness. guess that was what we felt. for sure it was what i felt, but the other party, i can't really tell.

Still, glad enough to feel that there are people who will always stand beside me. even though i betrayed them. but its their strength and support that makes me feel strong.

And that's the biggest reason. ultimate secret ingredient of being me.

I am selfish. it will always be a fact that i do not even care about myself, but i missed out the fact that there are people who care, which i should have thought of for me to have the consideration to take a good care of myself. my apology, for not loving myself, that it eventually affected others.

And yes, i'll take the challenge. if it's meant to be, it will be. life should go straight. no turning back. should there any obstacle and you stumble, stand up once again and go to the jungle. okay, i just wanna make it rhyme. couldn't think of another ryhming words, so, stand up once again and soar.

Even though it will take some (or a lot of) time, and you are not a wonder woman who heals fast.

p/s : ironiknya, aku bermula dengan bahasa melayu, tapi... ah, persetankan. aku lebih gemar berserius dalam bahasa inggeris. ia memberi rasa...serius.


Anonymous said...

its okay..
whatever ur result today does not represent how ur future..thats not gonna jugde ur stay stong and do the best for second round k!!
btw, cool people always run the worlds so just stay cool babe!! you can do it!!

farah hazwani said...

Cool anon. I like u n ur comment. Tehee.

Btw, thanx a lot. U just made my day.

Anonymous said...

tau x sape nie hhahah...
ur secret admirer hahah...

farah hazwani said...

The only anon that i know is faezah. Is that u,jah? Haha.

But anon could be anyone... N i dont know who u are.

Anonymous said...

hahhaha....pandai pn teka hahah...

farah hazwani said...

Haha. Really,jah?

Kau ni mmg suka sorok identiti kan. Haha.

Anonymous said...

hahah btol la..
mane ade sorok...
da tu xkn nk guna google account xmo r hahahh...
ala lgpn ko mesti tau kalo anon mest ak punyer da xde owg len hehhe...

farah hazwani said...

Haha. U can always put on ur signature at the end of the comment.

Mmg la anon yg ak knl kau je, tp ak ttp rsa berdebar debar bila ada anon komen. Rsa mcm ada secret admire plak. Haha.

Anonymous said...

xabes2 nk berdebar..ingat dejavu di kinabalu k hahahha...