Monday, August 27, 2012

i'm-getting-old syndrome

i should admit, bila tiba hari raya je, memang dalam sungguh rasa yang menegaskan bahawa aku sudah tua. ya, bila tiba hari raya, bukan pada peralihan tahun tanggal 1 januari. birthday is an exception.
 
i am 23. not that old.
 
tahu kenapa aku terasa sangat tua bila tiba hari raya? statistik menunjukkan kutipan duit raya semakin tahun semakin berkurang. ya, aku masih lagi layak menerima duit raya memandangkan aku masih belum bekerja mahupun berkahwin. dengan adanya bukti kuantitatif sebegini, siapa sahaja tidak bisa menangkal ketuaan diriku. well, to think about it, at this age, i shouldnt have received any. am i the only one thinking that i'm old? do others not thinking the same? ufth, there goes my i'm-getting-old syndrome.
 
well, fact #2, haritu ada beberapa orang kawan adik aku datang beraya. and as the person in charge (parents out leaving me the power), i acted exactly as makcik makcik. keluar masuk dapur. bercakap dalam tone suara paling keibuan. seronok juga jadi tua ni. dan dalam lingkungan kanak kanak tersebut, aku cam seorang budak ni. bekas anak murid aku masa aku tolong ustaz aku ajar mengaji dulu. ha, aku pernah jadi ustazah, dan juga cikgu tuisyen, jangan main main. haha. dulu, kecik je budak tu aku rasa. sekarang, dah tinggi. dan aku terasa sangat tua.
 
i am 23. and i do feel old.
 
time do flies, and you will never realise. how a boy turns into a man. and how a girl turns into a woman. in a blink of eye, everything changes.
 
and lately, i feel like shouting to everyone i met that i am old. thats how the i'm-getting-old syndrome gone bad in me. sigh.

time do flies fast. value it much.



and i do not like how time flies fast.
 
 
p/s : i braided my hair, both left and right side. and all i got is a laugh from my lil bro. he said, what are you, sis? are you 18? *facepalm*

Saturday, August 18, 2012

selamat hali laya


kuih raya olimpik
dari atas :  acara terjun papan anjal, lari 1x100m, pingat emas, gadis cun, lari berpagar dan renang

Maka di sini, 

Salam Aidilfitri buat semua pembaca farrakaka. (which means, only me, literally)
Mohon maaf dari hujung rambut hingga hujung kaki.

Tulus ikhlas dari,
Farrakaka dan bakal suami.

^,^
eung eung

Thursday, August 9, 2012

He knows best

At times,life gives us presents that make our hearts flutter,and makes sure that when we experience pain,it exchanges with happiness - life's counterattack.



the list had come out. the name is there. but the person still, feeling insecure.

everything could happen. everything, be it good, or bad. life is something you can't be inattentive to. and i am imagining things. which is not good.

shooh. shooh. go away. do not invade my brain.


weird things, how i could not smile in reaction of good news. and how i could laugh easily, in accepting a really stupid bad news.

am i not a human?

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

mindset



Our psychological state allows us to see only what we want/need/feel to see at a particular time. What are the first three words that you see?


again, people. mindset. it's all about mindset.

credit : psych-facts

Friday, August 3, 2012

dejavu di hati kaku


Last year, time result keluar, emel sampai, satu gagal, pada ketika itu juga aku sedang demam.

Dan harini, time result keluar, emel aku buka, gagal kuasa dua dan aku masih juga demam.

Apa yang aku alami sekarang ini adalah dejavu. dejavu di hati kaku, tajuk cerita ini, sebab ia cerita aku.

I shouldn't have got the mood to update the blog but this is the only way i speak, literally. ya, aku sebenarnya dah jarang sangat membuka mulut, sehinggakan rahang aku mulai sakit akibat gigi yg terkatup terlalu ketat.

Dah selalu sangat aku gagal, maka aku dah imun. result k.o., tapi aku masih ok. itu normal. kadang aku terfikir, did i took this thing too coolly? did i took this thing too lightly? or did i took this thing too positively?

I guess they are all blended.

Or maybe i just happened to have nothing to feel. no feel no more. geez, where did my soul goes?

Apparently, somewhere myself doesn't know, and doesn't even bother to search.

But to tell the truth, to be like me, like-hey-it's-nothing-and-i-am-cool-like-this, there's a story behind it. and the story isn't a brag, its not even something to be proud of, but i do personally think that its not something to be ashamed of as well.

I do regret. but things happened. and i threw away those regret and sadness. and learned another way to redeem myself. there'll always be second chances, or in my case, up to third chances. so, regretting would be of no use. changing of plan would first be thought of. though i always fail to plan.

That would be the secret, #1.

But the devastated feeling of turning others down would always be felt. the parent, i speak of. and this morning, at times where i would always be found sleeping, i was awake, to the oppose. couldn't sleep though i tried to. and yes, it was because of the shock. the predictable shock i would say, but still, overwhelm took over me, a bit. and that was because i kept those feelings by myself. i thought i was strong enough to hold still, but i was afraid to present them with the failure. what am i going to tell?

So i thought, i should spill. maybe then i would feel better. maybe then i could sleep. thats more important.

And then i spill. with shaking voice, with pressure, and with full of thoughts, would they be able to take it cool, as i do?

Surprisingly, they took it cool. too cool that it loosen me up. and now i knew where do those traits in me came from. and a few minutes later, i was back on my bed, sleeping soundly. yeah, that's me.

I don't know how we ended up being too cool. it was awful, yet how did we can still react like nothing happened? like it wasn't a big deal? yo, it was a big deal. i am graduating but i got stuck with two papers, while all of my friends have already secured their places in uitm 77th convocation, yet i'm still here, got nowhere to go, and feeling insecured, but trying to act cool.

But i guess the feelings are there. the disappointment. the frustration. just that we know really well how to control, for not letting it all out, just to keep holding on, and that, is to make sure the other party doesn't feel too devastated. yes, the only way to make others happy, is to be happy. to show true happiness so that it can took over the sadness. guess that was what we felt. for sure it was what i felt, but the other party, i can't really tell.

Still, glad enough to feel that there are people who will always stand beside me. even though i betrayed them. but its their strength and support that makes me feel strong.

And that's the biggest reason. ultimate secret ingredient of being me.

I am selfish. it will always be a fact that i do not even care about myself, but i missed out the fact that there are people who care, which i should have thought of for me to have the consideration to take a good care of myself. my apology, for not loving myself, that it eventually affected others.

And yes, i'll take the challenge. if it's meant to be, it will be. life should go straight. no turning back. should there any obstacle and you stumble, stand up once again and go to the jungle. okay, i just wanna make it rhyme. couldn't think of another ryhming words, so, stand up once again and soar.

Even though it will take some (or a lot of) time, and you are not a wonder woman who heals fast.

p/s : ironiknya, aku bermula dengan bahasa melayu, tapi... ah, persetankan. aku lebih gemar berserius dalam bahasa inggeris. ia memberi rasa...serius.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

tidur

maka kiranya, memandangkan aku sudah kehilangan topik menarik untuk dibicarakan, adalah lebih elok aku membicarakan perkara yang aku suka, yakni tidur.

tiga hari lepas, tidur aku tak lena. kalih ke kanan, aku resah. kalih ke kiri, aku gundah. puas aku berangan, namun tak jalan.

esok malamnya juga sama. kalih ke kanan, aku mengeluh. kalih ke kiri, aku merengus. maka putusnya, aku mencari punca.

setelah disiasat, aku dapati corak tidurku dipengaruhi oleh bilangan bantal. ya, awal sangkaku, aku fikir aku mampu tidur dengan hanya beralaskan sebiji bantal, tapi bila bantal-bantalku diculik, tidur aku mula terganggu.

aku ini jenis orang yang tidur dengan bantal bantal yang banyak. literally, a lot. two below head. one on top. one to hug. one on both left and right side. in short, i built a fortress while i'm sleeping.

orang bilang, siapa siapa yang tidur dengan banyak bantal adalah orang yang insecure. membina kubu untuk rasa lebih selamat. perahsia dan tidak terbuka. orang bilang juga, siapa siapa yang tidur dengan satu bantal sahaja adalah orang yang confident. fleksibel dan rasional. dan juga, bilang orang, siapa siapa yang tidur tanpa bantal itu, orangnya tersangatlah miskin, tak mampu membeli hatta sebiji bantal buat tidur.

okay, the last part isn't funny.

ya, aku perahsia. dan kurang terbuka. mungkin bilang orang itu tepat. tapi, jangan terlalu percaya, cuma membandingkan saja.

maka, berbalik kepada cerita aku, setelah aku menculik kembali bantal bantal aku, tidurku tidak lagi terganggu.

dan membuatkan waktu terjagaku menginjak ke setelah tingginya matahari di atas kepala.



p/s : bayangkan kalau selepas kahwin nanti, apa agaknya kata suami aku kalau aku masih membina kubu di sekeliling? err...